Le Fabuleux Mémo de Marjolaine Robichaud: août 2020

In 2013, I knew a guy, whom I tried to save. Nobody understood, because it had reached such a point that I had to go to the gay village in Montreal to see him (where he lived) and try to help him, save him, etc. I had to be there morning noon evening ... Nobody has ever understood, and no matter what I was trying to do, even if i didnt want to go there, there was something in my brain that made me go there. I HAD to. Every time I saw him, it caused such immense, indescribable pain.

It was intense; I had to be interned in a psychiatric hospital.... They diagnosed me obsessive-compulsive personality (among others). Basically, I understood over time in therapy that this guy treated me in the same way, spoke etc as my mother have been violent with me, but also represented the same pattern of my former attackers, bullies, what I would have become if my case had degenerated into severe drugs as him etc, he dressed like me, basically, he represented unconsciously according to the psychiatrist the dysfunctional schema that I was trying to adjust and my brain was trying to do it this way ... It is super long to explain but I talk about it in my Youtube video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ga8euWETrLM That video is from 2015, i talk about what i went through all my life. I was able to get over my agoraphobia, that took very long. Now my mother who was the abusive one, died 2 years ago. And now some obsessions are back severely.... I felt mostly that here is one of the only places people will not judge me...

I became severely obsessed with the movie JOKER...

Definitly can't watch that movie without huge crying sessions. And when i hear the music with these scenes... No movie did that before. None. With the music it hurts me so much inside i feel i'll almost die of tears! It's hard to explain but if you knew how i see myself in that movie, i went through almost the same thing with my mother etc, and i was a clown!!!

I dont remember one movie that did it that much before. I saw it quite a few times already, and it's still the same.... I saw no movie yet that touched me that much, in which i related that much, and the emotion in Joaquin,... I'm like... He either went through these emotions before and-or he is becoming that character.

People are just telling me to stop watching the movie. I have the movie in repeat with the music in my head even at night. First time a film provokes such a reaction in me; as much as it is the beauty of all the images and shots that the colors that transform in each scene, the characters and the city surrounding Arthur make everything breathtaking, making me amazed. The music itself alone certainly plays a big role in the huge emotions that this film makes me feel. A melancholy in each of the notes, an awful sadness in each of the moments played by Joaquin, who still remains for me a talent more than phenomenal. I have goosebumps and tears at the only thought of this film; the first film highlighting as much the multitudes of traumas as life may have inflicted on me but also the desires that I already had (also accompanied by guilt) to end the life my own mother having abused me for so long, tied while I cried and choked. I have so many similarities with the character that I'm almost afraid of it; I know that part of my capsizing emotions come directly from this. But it would be crazy not to mention how melancolic the music is, itself a character in the film, like the city.

I have goosebumps and tears at the only thought of this film; the first film highlighting as much the multitudes of traumas as life may have inflicted on me but also the desires that I already had (also accompanied by guilt) to end the life my own mother having abused me for so long, tied while I cried and choked. I have so many similarities with the character that I'm almost afraid of it; I know that part of my capsizing emotions come directly from this. But it would be crazy not to mention how melancolic the music is, itself a character in the film, like the city.

I would like to be able to express how this film comes to find so many things in me that I have never experienced before, and when I cry while listening to it, watching it, I certainly see a transcription on screen of myself and my life in some metaphor, but also events that almost happened, types of events that also happened. When I was a clown, I was bullied, when I almost killed a guy who bullied me for so long, but also abused, when the police abused me, when a system started to completely forget me like too many people for that matter, when I was in high school and for so long It was so bad living at home in extreme abuse, and as soon as I arrived at school it was bullying over violence over spitting and punching, it was out of survival instinct that I invented myself an imaginary boyfriend, Patrick, who in my head was very real, almost a hallucination, It gave me those moments in my head to give me a semblance of happiness that I might not be able to get otherwise.

I almost killed my multiple abusers. I wanted to kill my mother who threatened me with a knife at 16, and who at the same time forced me sexually with her friends, which she allowed to happen. I would have killed and probably would have become a delinquent for so many people. My multiple problems when I did not have the money to get my medication, when I did not have access to a doctor to refill these prescriptions, when I had only black thoughts and I felt that we were listening barely what I said, when I was falsely accused at work and I was a clown, when I laughed hard and loud in high school and it was my way to get over all the pain, I was lonely but also hyperactive, and i was choking myself laughing because of asthma, immediately feeling pain in the bronchi.

My tears are full of melancholy and sadness, of rage, but also my tears flow because so much beauty resides in each of the scenes, I can't even express with precision the deep admiration I have for the talent that Joaquin possesses. Towards the beauty of music and the poignant emotion it expresses. The pure and raw talent by admiring all these colors and shots that bring out again in me the hidden desire to be director of photography.

Here in Montreal i am on wellfare and very poor. A friend is starting to pay me a psychotherapy because there is a way too long waiting list in free services and they did cut services... Well let's see what it reminds me heh... Joker.... Anyways. I know this will help me but for now before that i NEED to speak about it and i am sorry for the very long text, thanks for the welcome in this group. Hoping my english is not too bad.

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One of the videos that i relate a bit too much with, from movie