On October 11, back to class. It didn't take much for my body and mind to collapse. Tired. To try, in spite of its physical and mental pain and suffering, for so long. Maybe too much, but I have the will of steel. Being in such a precarious situation and being sick is not a situation that I want to live for long.
Depressed as impossible, the teachers and the special education technician felt very limited.
- "Insist on having your family doctor?" I just signed a document a month ago to register with my new doctor, after a three-year wait (my old doctor left for retirement). Even today, it is written "Your file indicates that you do not have a family doctor". I contacted them, but without success; I'll wait ... I imagine the pandemic is slowing down. I still contact them a lot.
- "Go see a psychologist?" No money. Three more years of waiting at the CLSC, minimum.
- "Try to collect your money for a therapist ...?" i'd love to, but difficult with the income from social assistance
- "Why aren't you trying to work?" Because I can't work standing up and my health depends on it.
Everything is a vicious cycle.
My mental health is very fragile, I need structure, I need emotional support.
My Emploi-Qc agent saw it. She picked me up in little crumbs.
She offered me an idea, which I gladly accepted.
For the financial level, with full-time school, I had $ 130 every two weeks with Emploi-Qc, in addition to social assistance. I will have with this program $ 130 per MONTH. So I will be even "poorer". I will need help trying to find ways to feed myself according to my allergies and the fact that it all costs more. It is a program that will last a maximum of one year before returning to class. At one point I don't mind, but it's been 15 years since I try to go back to class after high school, and it never works because too many mental or physical complications and the system does not help too much to offer me something else a meager income, support or whatever. At least I have that. It's just difficult, because money doesn't buy happiness, but money is a "must" when you want to do anything other than survive in this capitalist world ... But yes i am happy about this program, don't get me wrong!
vendredi 13 novembre 2020
Testimony that I gave in 2014 concerning my agoraphobia (which I cured!) Moments in front of the microphone that made me act like Arthur Fleck, except that for me it was not the laughter coming from his illness, but a panic attack behind the microphone ... --- 2014- At the end of last April, I was at Café Bloom sipping tea while doing some reading. I observed every nook and cranny of the site which had opened its doors a few months before. I was thinking of the poetry evenings during which I have performed since 2011 = and I felt that I was missing a challenge.
If you want to understand what i went through: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ga8euWETrLM
I still felt the stress of the stage, the immense anxiety that had upset me a few hours before. I thought of everything I had experienced as bullying that had left its mark again, all those punches, insults and meanness in the middle of the classroom, on the bus or in the hallways, all of this past that kept me awake for a while. ten years of taking public transport, not socializing properly, being in a group ... All those years that finally brought me to a source of light, with this fight on stage that I was making progress. And at that same moment at Café Bloom, I had the vision of an upcoming challenge, PSALM, with a name that may sound religious, but which is not in the circumstances of my event. PSALM, synonymous for me with delicacy and words. At the time of this vision, I was walking towards my home, my body shaking because I had just confirmed the date of my first event. Found in my bed lying down, I inhaled, exhaled, the tears falling plunged in the fear of having to relive the moments of terror. Anxiety irrational but still present.
Three events later, I couldn't be more proud and happy about this fight, which only led to congratulations, praise and positive comments. Time has passed terribly fast since then, and the success is greater than I imagined. I feel tremors but this time of joy. The only thing I can tell you; GO FORWARD. Go straight to the goal you give yourself, the feeling is so wonderful when you reach the end of your dreams. And yes, there are relapses, but it's normal, it's part of life. If you think going on stage is too stressful, tell yourself that you are reading the text of an agoraphobic girl with social phobia and generalized anxiety. If I can, you can. Peace and light
vendredi 6 novembre 2020
En 2013, j'ai connu un gars que j'ai essayé de sauver. Personne n'a compris, car c'était arrivé à un tel point que je devais me rendre au village gay de Montréal pour le voir (où il habitait) et essayer de l'aider, le sauver, etc. Je devais être là le matin midi soir .. Personne n'a jamais compris, et peu importe ce que j'essayais de faire, même si je ne voulais pas y aller, il y avait quelque chose dans mon cerveau qui m'a poussé à y aller. J'ai dû. Chaque fois que je le voyais, cela causait une douleur si immense et indescriptible.
C'était intense; J'ai dû être interné dans un hôpital psychiatrique ... Ils m'ont diagnostiqué une personnalité obsessionnelle-compulsive (entre autres), mais aussi TPL (borderline), bipolaire, phobie sociale etc. En gros, j'ai compris au fil du temps en thérapie que ce mec me traitait de la même manière, parlait etc. car ma mère avait été violente avec moi, mais représentait également le même schéma de mes anciens agresseurs, intimidateurs, ce que je serais devenu si mon cas avait dégénéré en drogues sévères comme lui etc, il s'habillait comme moi, en gros, il représentait inconsciemment selon le psychiatre le schéma dysfonctionnel que j'essayais d'ajuster et mon cerveau essayait de le faire de cette façon ... C'est super long à expliquer mais j'en parle dans ma vidéo Youtube (Sur Youtube c'est Marjolaine Nixe - Message d'espoir. Cette vidéo date de 2015, je parle de ce que j'ai vécu toute ma vie. J'ai pu me remettre de mon agoraphobie, cela a pris très longtemps. Maintenant ma mère qui était la violente, est décédée il y a 2 ans. Et maintenant, certaines obsessions sont de retour sévèrement .... J'ai surtout senti que c'est l'un des seuls endroits où les gens ne me jugeront pas. .
Je ne me souviens pas d'un film qui l'a fait autant avant. Je l'ai déjà vu pas mal de fois, et c'est toujours le même ... Je n'ai encore vu aucun film qui m'ait autant touché, dans lequel j'ai beaucoup raconté, et l'émotion chez Joaquin, ... je suis comme. .. Soit il a traversé ces émotions avant et-soit il devient ce personnage.
J'ai le film en boucle avec la musique dans ma tête même la nuit. La première fois qu'un film provoque une telle réaction en moi; autant que c'est la beauté de toutes les images et plans que les couleurs qui transforment dans chaque scène, les personnages et la ville qui entourent Arthur rendent tout à couper le souffle, me stupéfiant. La musique elle-même joue certainement un grand rôle dans les énormes émotions que ce film me fait ressentir. Une mélancolie dans chacune des notes, une affreuse tristesse dans chacun des moments joués par Joaquin, qui reste encore pour moi un talent plus que phénoménal. J'ai la chair de poule et les larmes à la seule pensée de ce film; le premier film mettant en lumière autant les multitudes de traumatismes que la vie m'avait infligés mais aussi les désirs que j'avais déjà (accompagnés également de culpabilité) de mettre fin à la vie que ma propre mère m'avait abusée pendant si longtemps, liée alors que je pleurais et étouffé. J'ai tellement de similitudes avec le personnage que j'en ai presque peur; Je sais qu'une partie de mes émotions de chavirement vient directement de cela. Mais ce serait fou de ne pas mentionner à quel point la musique est mélancolique, elle-même personnage du film, comme la ville.
J'ai la chair de poule et les larmes à la seule pensée de ce film; le premier film mettant en lumière autant les multitudes de traumatismes que la vie m'avait infligés mais aussi les désirs que j'avais déjà (accompagnés également de culpabilité) de mettre fin à la vie que ma propre mère m'avait abusée pendant si longtemps, liée alors que je pleurais et étouffé. J'ai tellement de similitudes avec le personnage que j'en ai presque peur; Je sais qu'une partie de mes émotions de chavirement vient directement de cela. Mais ce serait fou de ne pas mentionner à quel point la musique est mélancolique, elle-même personnage du film, comme la ville.
J'aimerais pouvoir exprimer comment ce film arrive à trouver en moi tant de choses que je n'ai jamais vécues auparavant, et quand je pleure en l'écoutant, en le regardant, je vois certainement une transcription à l'écran de moi-même et de ma vie dans une certaine métaphore, mais aussi des événements qui ont failli arriver, des types d'événements qui se sont également produits. Quand j'étais clown, j'ai été victime d'intimidation, quand j'ai failli tuer un mec qui m'avait intimidé pendant si longtemps, mais aussi abusé, quand la police m'avait maltraité, quand un système a commencé à m'oublier complètement comme trop de gens d'ailleurs, quand J'étais au lycée et pendant si longtemps C'était si mal de vivre à la maison dans des abus extrêmes, et dès que je suis arrivé à l'école, c'était du harcèlement à cause de la violence à cause des crachats et des coups de poing, c'est par instinct de survie que je me suis inventé un imaginaire copain, Patrick, qui dans ma tête était bien réel, presque une hallucination, ça m'a donné ces moments dans ma tête pour me donner un semblant de bonheur que je ne pourrais peut-être pas obtenir autrement.
J'ai presque tué mes multiples agresseurs. Je voulais tuer ma mère qui m'a menacé avec un couteau à 16 ans, et qui en même temps m'a forcée sexuellement avec ses amis, ce qu'elle a permis. J'aurais tué et je serais probablement devenu un délinquant pour tant de gens. Mes multiples problèmes quand je n'avais pas l'argent pour moi acheter mes médicaments, quand je n'avais pas accès à un médecin pour renouveler ces ordonnances, quand je n'avais que des pensées noires et que je sentais qu'on écoutait à peine ce que je disais, quand j'étais faussement accusé au travail et j'étais un clown, quand je riais fort et fort au lycée et que c'était ma façon de surmonter toute la douleur, j'étais seul mais aussi hyperactif , et je m'étouffais de rire à cause de l'asthme, me sentant immédiatement douleur dans les bronches.
Mes larmes sont pleines de mélancolie et de tristesse, de rage, mais aussi mes larmes coulent car tant de beauté réside dans chacune des scènes, je ne peux même pas exprimer avec précision la profonde admiration que j'ai pour le talent que possède Joaquin. Vers la beauté de la musique et l'émotion poignante qu'elle exprime. Le talent pur et brut en admirant toutes ces couleurs et clichés qui font ressortir à nouveau en moi l'envie cachée d'être directeur de la photographie.
Ici à Montréal, je suis en mauvaise santé et très pauvre. Pour la thérapie il y a une liste d'attente trop longue dans les services gratuits et ils ont coupé les services ... Bon voyons ce que ça me rappelle heh ... Joker .... Bref. Je sais que cela m'aidera mais pour l'instant avant cela, j'ai BESOIN d'en parler et je suis désolé pour le très long texte.
Voici un des vidéos auquel je m'identifie le plus...
In 2013, I knew a guy, whom I tried to save. Nobody understood, because it had reached such a point that I had to go to the gay village in Montreal to see him (where he lived) and try to help him, save him, etc. I had to be there morning noon evening ... Nobody has ever understood, and no matter what I was trying to do, even if i didnt want to go there, there was something in my brain that made me go there. I HAD to. Every time I saw him, it caused such immense, indescribable pain.
It was intense; I had to be interned in a psychiatric hospital.... They diagnosed me obsessive-compulsive personality (among others). Basically, I understood over time in therapy that this guy treated me in the same way, spoke etc as my mother have been violent with me, but also represented the same pattern of my former attackers, bullies, what I would have become if my case had degenerated into severe drugs as him etc, he dressed like me, basically, he represented unconsciously according to the psychiatrist the dysfunctional schema that I was trying to adjust and my brain was trying to do it this way ... It is super long to explain but I talk about it in my Youtube video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ga8euWETrLM That video is from 2015, i talk about what i went through all my life. I was able to get over my agoraphobia, that took very long. Now my mother who was the abusive one, died 2 years ago. And now some obsessions are back severely.... I felt mostly that here is one of the only places people will not judge me...
I became severely obsessed with the movie JOKER...
Definitly can't watch that movie without huge crying sessions. And when i hear the music with these scenes... No movie did that before. None. With the music it hurts me so much inside i feel i'll almost die of tears! It's hard to explain but if you knew how i see myself in that movie, i went through almost the same thing with my mother etc, and i was a clown!!!
I dont remember one movie that did it that much before. I saw it quite a few times already, and it's still the same.... I saw no movie yet that touched me that much, in which i related that much, and the emotion in Joaquin,... I'm like... He either went through these emotions before and-or he is becoming that character.
People are just telling me to stop watching the movie. I have the movie in repeat with the music in my head even at night. First time a film provokes such a reaction in me; as much as it is the beauty of all the images and shots that the colors that transform in each scene, the characters and the city surrounding Arthur make everything breathtaking, making me amazed. The music itself alone certainly plays a big role in the huge emotions that this film makes me feel. A melancholy in each of the notes, an awful sadness in each of the moments played by Joaquin, who still remains for me a talent more than phenomenal. I have goosebumps and tears at the only thought of this film; the first film highlighting as much the multitudes of traumas as life may have inflicted on me but also the desires that I already had (also accompanied by guilt) to end the life my own mother having abused me for so long, tied while I cried and choked. I have so many similarities with the character that I'm almost afraid of it; I know that part of my capsizing emotions come directly from this. But it would be crazy not to mention how melancolic the music is, itself a character in the film, like the city.
I have goosebumps and tears at the only thought of this film; the first film highlighting as much the multitudes of traumas as life may have inflicted on me but also the desires that I already had (also accompanied by guilt) to end the life my own mother having abused me for so long, tied while I cried and choked. I have so many similarities with the character that I'm almost afraid of it; I know that part of my capsizing emotions come directly from this. But it would be crazy not to mention how melancolic the music is, itself a character in the film, like the city.
I would like to be able to express how this film comes to find so many things in me that I have never experienced before, and when I cry while listening to it, watching it, I certainly see a transcription on screen of myself and my life in some metaphor, but also events that almost happened, types of events that also happened. When I was a clown, I was bullied, when I almost killed a guy who bullied me for so long, but also abused, when the police abused me, when a system started to completely forget me like too many people for that matter, when I was in high school and for so long It was so bad living at home in extreme abuse, and as soon as I arrived at school it was bullying over violence over spitting and punching, it was out of survival instinct that I invented myself an imaginary boyfriend, Patrick, who in my head was very real, almost a hallucination, It gave me those moments in my head to give me a semblance of happiness that I might not be able to get otherwise.
I almost killed my multiple abusers. I wanted to kill my mother who threatened me with a knife at 16, and who at the same time forced me sexually with her friends, which she allowed to happen. I would have killed and probably would have become a delinquent for so many people. My multiple problems when I did not have the money to get my medication, when I did not have access to a doctor to refill these prescriptions, when I had only black thoughts and I felt that we were listening barely what I said, when I was falsely accused at work and I was a clown, when I laughed hard and loud in high school and it was my way to get over all the pain, I was lonely but also hyperactive, and i was choking myself laughing because of asthma, immediately feeling pain in the bronchi.
My tears are full of melancholy and sadness, of rage, but also my tears flow because so much beauty resides in each of the scenes, I can't even express with precision the deep admiration I have for the talent that Joaquin possesses. Towards the beauty of music and the poignant emotion it expresses. The pure and raw talent by admiring all these colors and shots that bring out again in me the hidden desire to be director of photography.
Here in Montreal i am on wellfare and very poor. A friend is starting to pay me a psychotherapy because there is a way too long waiting list in free services and they did cut services... Well let's see what it reminds me heh... Joker.... Anyways. I know this will help me but for now before that i NEED to speak about it and i am sorry for the very long text, thanks for the welcome in this group. Hoping my english is not too bad.
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One of the videos that i relate a bit too much with, from movie
